Comments & Curiosities -- Peter Buffa

Summertime, summertime, sum, sum, summertime. Yes, I know, not until

June 21. But no one cares about that. Everyone knows this weekend is the

official start of summer.

Long, sunny days are great, but balmy summer nights are better. The

surf, the sunsets, the naked Chinese stowaways, the warm breeze --

there’s nothing like it. I remember one year when -- what? The stowaways?

Tell me you didn’t miss this one. It is the 2002 Story of the Year -- the

bell ringer thus far.

Let us return to the wee small hours of Thursday morning. Some teenage

girls are having an elementary school reunion at an El Morro beach

trailer. See what I mean? An “elementary school reunion” is pretty

whacked, and we haven’t even gotten to the naked Chinese stowaways yet.

At about 0200, the girls see some men, 10 men to be exact, stumbling

and staggering onto shore from the great, inky, watery beyond. The girls

have no doubt whatsoever that the individuals in question are men,

because they are all wet, shivering and naked as a jaybird.

Why don’t we just say “naked as a bird,” by the way? Why is it always

“naked as a jaybird”? Do other birds wear clothes? I don’t get it.

Anyway, the naked night paddlers tear open some plastic bags they’re

carrying and start pulling out clothes and shoes and dressing like men

possessed.

According to Bridgett Saeman, one of the elementary school reunion

attendees, “We just thought they were partying and skinny-dipping in the

ocean, but they were opening up packages and bags of dry clothes and

putting new clothes on.”

The weird got weirder when the girls noticed that the men weren’t

putting on shorts and T-shirts, but designer clothes, including a few

sports coats and business suits. Bridgett ran back to the trailer to

report the bizarre scene to her father, Terry Saeman, who was foolishly

trying to sleep in the middle of an elementary school reunion.

“She said to me, ‘Dad, there’s a bunch of naked Chinese men in front

of our house,” said Terry Saeman.

Terry was skeptical about the initial naked Chinese men sightings,

which I can understand completely, having been the father of a teenage

girl myself.

Whenever my daughter would run inside and say “Dad, there’s a bunch of

naked Chinese men in front of our house,” I’d say “That’s nice, honey.

Don’t touch them,” and go about my business.

But Bridgett and her friends were persistent, so Saeman threw on a

bathrobe and headed for the Chinese delegation, armed with a diving light

and an entourage of teenage girls.

The Chinese visitors were now fully clothed, hanging out on the deck

of a neighboring trailer and having a smoke as they pondered their fate

in this strange new land called Crystal Cove State Park, somewhere

between Newport and Laguna. But as soon as they saw Terry and the girls

heading toward them, they went into a full-tilt boogie and disappeared

into the night.

Terry and the girls returned to the trailer, called the authorities,

then wisely combed the beach for the detritus the night callers had left

behind.

They found some plastic water bottles with Chinese labels and a large

Styrofoam float with the words “Fu Ching” on it, which is Mandarin for

“Are we having fun yet?” No it isn’t. It means “lucky star.”

And that simple phrase would eventually solve the mystery of the El

Morro elementary school reunion and the 10 naked Chinese men.

Terry’s 911 call might not have gotten much attention prior to 9/11,

but it got a whole lot of attention on 5/23.

Before Terry could say, “10 of them, yes, without a stitch, that’s

correct,” here’s who was on the case: Newport Beach, Irvine and Garden

Grove police, the INS, the Coast Guard, the U.S. Border Patrol, the

California Highway Patrol, California State Parks and Orange County

Sheriff’s Department and Harbor Patrol.

In less than seven hours, the Naked Night Paddlers’ Excellent

Adventure was over.

By 9:30 that morning, all 10 men were in custody, having gotten no

farther than Newport Beach. Interestingly, two of the men were found near

the Bonita Canyon toll road ramp, which tells me that even people from

China know you should use the toll roads whenever you can.

Late Thursday afternoon, the Coast Guard spotted a rusted, ragged,

barely functioning 60-foot fishing boat about 100 miles off San Diego.

Its name? The Fu Ching. The two crewmen on board were arrested and the

boat was confiscated and towed into Long Beach on Friday morning.

The stowaways said jumping from the Fu Ching and their after-midnight

swim to El Morro were the last legs in a 30-day odyssey from China.

They were supposed to be met by a man whose name sounded like “Otto,”

but never found him. Immigration authorities said the men were lucky to

be alive and that this was a very odd run for the border for illegal

immigrants from Asia.

The typical modus operandi for stowaways from China or Taiwan is

hiding inside shipping containers, or paying big money for airline

tickets and forged documents.

Finally, the authorities in Long Beach are trying to figure out what

to do with the two tons of tuna in the Fu Ching’s freezer holds. And, oh,

if your name is Otto, the INS has your stowaways.

So there you have it. The beach, the surf, 10 naked stowaways and two

tons of leftover tuna -- the perfect elementary school reunion. Could you

make this stuff up? Neither could I. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays.

He may be reached via e-mail at [email protected].