Pay attention to love

Mike Sciacca

There are three essentials every couple must remember if they want to

bring mad, passionate love to their relationship.

So says Huntington Beach’s Brett Williams, a local marriage and family

therapist.

The type of love making Williams is referring to isn’t of the physical

kind; rather, the emotional nature of love.

His ideas center on how couples can renew feelings of tenderness that

strengthen their connection.

“The three things we must remember about love [are] this: attention,

attention, attention,” said Williams, who talked about how all of us

instinctively understand that love and attention are the same.

“When our spouse is attentive as we share our day with them, it feels

like he or she cares,” he explained. “Whereas, when your spouse only

provides an occasional grunt as they surf through the TV stations with

the remote control, it feels as that spouse does not care.”

With Valentine’s Day upon us, Williams suggests that couples should

bring attention to whatever they do. Giving items such as jewelry, a

card, or flowers is fine, but that a little extra attention will make all

the difference, he said.

His focus on love -- in a month traditionally set aside for

celebrating the ways of Cupid and not psychology -- forms the core of the

love-based solutions he offers to couples and families in free weekly

seminars.

“I talk about the five different laws of love and one important thing

couples need to work on to maintain a healthy relationship is to not own

their partner’s issues. If your spouse returns home from work in a bad

mood, let them deal with it on their own.”

While couples can benefit from Williams seminars, others have stumbled

through 60 or so years on their own -- quite successfully.

In May, Edward and Ruth Brender will celebrate 60 years of marriage.

“It has been a wonderful marriage,” proclaims Edward, who will turn 82

in April.

They were introduced when he was 18 and she was 16.

A two-year courtship led to marriage, which has produced three sons,

all of whom are physicians. One of those sons has a practice in

Huntington Beach.

The Brooklyn natives and part time New York residents, migrate to

Huntington Beach for the winter each year, arriving the Friday before

Thanksgiving and returning home on May 1.

The two met when Edward was assigned to tutor Ruth. She was an

award-winning student who was preparing to enter college.

“We have similar interests and enjoy similar activities,” Edward

explained their success. “There are several keys to a good marriage, one

of them is that you have to be flexible and have a good overall

perception of what your goals as a couple are. Of course, when it comes

to monetary issues, money matters can cause the greatest discord.”

They key to their relationship, however, has been communication, he

said.

“Sure, problems will arise -- they always do. But the key is to work

to resolve them,” Edward said. “If you are wrong, then admit that you are

wrong. And another thing - never use sex as a weapon.”

Edward has been more than a clever husband in his 80-plus years, he

was drafted to the Army and assigned to help set up the first cadre in

Las Vegas where he helped to build and organize camps. He later became a

certified public accountant and worked in the finance department during

the war. He has written seven books, the latest entitled, The Poetry of

Wall Street, started up a chess club, art society and poet’s society at

Michael E. Rodgers Senior’s Center in Huntington Beach, and has a passion

for painting.

Six of his paintings, said a proud Ruth Brender, hang on the walls of

Governor Gray Davis’ office.

Ruth, who will turn 80 in May, vividly remembers the couple’s

engagement dinner. Dinner music on the radio was abruptly interrupted by

a news bulletin that Pearl Harbor had been bombed.

That event is part of their history, she says. She joined Edward when

he was in Las Vegas and became a civilian employee in the ordinance

department of the Air Force. The two returned to New York when his duty

was complete.

She says that while she is proud of Edward’s accomplishments during

the course of their marriage, she said it was his character in their

first few meetings that endeared him to her. “He was a very nice guy,”

she said. “I thought that from day one. He was kind to me and tutored me

in a way that would help me understand. He still is that way today.”

They looked at each other as they spoke about their relationship, she

gently reminded him about certain events that have helped shape their

union.

“What they are revealing here is that to stay married for so long is

to stay connected,” said Williams as he interpreted the couples’

sentiments.

Attention has helped the relationship of 80-year-old Jean Perrin and

her beau Don Grizswold, 81, blossom into romance. The Huntington Beach

residents met at Michael E. Rodgers Senior’s Center nine years ago. They

shared the same table in the dining hall, although they sat at opposite

ends. Grizswold was married at the time, Perrin had been widowed for five

years.

He lost his wife three years ago.

“We have known each other for nine years and it took Jean that long to

move down to my end of the table,” Grizswold said with a warm smile in

his voice. “The loss of a spouse tends to send you into a period of

withdrawal from many things. I know it did for me. I don’t how she did

it, but Jean’s timing was impeccable. It was about two years after my

wife’s death that Jean and I began to become closer.”

One way Perrin, an avid dancer, brought Grizswold “out of the

basement,” as he put it, was to introduce him to dancing. They took dance

lessons at Golden West College and now the couple goes dancing three

nights a week.

“She’s got me hooked. In fact, I can show you the marks on my arm here

where she got her hooks in me,” he said with a laugh as he motioned to a

scar on his left forearm. “You know, after all these years, I can’t see

living alone. You can’t go out dancing three nights a week with someone

you care about without going forward. That is the natural process for me.

But I keep asking myself, why me? What does she see in me?”

Plenty, Perrin says.

“But simply, he is a very generous man. He’s very kind, very giving

and does a lot of volunteer work. He has even built a cabinet here in the

center,” she said.

He also built up the nerve to ask for her hand in marriage. She

accepted.

Now engaged, the couple said that they could get married sometime as

early as this week.

“With the type of attention they’ve given one another, they can’t help

but fall in love,” Williams said of the union. “Their story illustrates

my theory that love is attention.”

FYI:

Williams will bring his teachings of “The Five Laws of Love” to the

Huntington Beach Central Library Wednesday nights beginning Feb. 20 and

running through March 13.

Williams, a licensed marriage and family therapist, has held his

practice in Huntington Beach for nine years. His Weekly Family Wellness

Wednesday workshops are sponsored by the Orange County Chapter of the

California Assn. of Family & Marriage Therapists. His first topic, of the

“The Five Laws of Love,” will begin Feb. 20, from 7:30 to 8:45 p.m., in

the B room at the Huntington Central Library. For information, call

969-9691.