Reporter’s Notebook -- June Casagrande

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions -- at least not for myself. I’m

the kind of person who wakes up on May 20, 1999, says “I wonder if I can

make it all the way to work today without a cigarette?” and, by the end

of the day, has kicked a near lifelong two-pack-a-day habit.

But that’s just me.Other people, I know, need resolutions. They take

great comfort in saying they will do on Jan. 1 something they could as

easily do today.

In a way, it’s a shame I don’t make resolutions because I have so many

good ideas that I’ll never use. So, for everyone else, this year I’d like

to offer some suggestions. Here is my list of New Year’s resolutions I

think you -- in fact, everyone -- should make:

* I will change my work schedule to stay off the freeway between 8 and 10

a.m. and between 5 and 7 p.m. These, I know, are June’s commuting times

and she just doesn’t need me in her way. I will avoid the San Diego

Freeway altogether.

* I will stop saying “my bad.” The reasons for doing so are evident

enough that I should have stopped saying this in June’s presence a long

time ago. I will put this annoying expression on the discard pile in my

mind along with the lyrics to “Achy, Breaky Heart.”

* I will learn the difference between “to lay” and “to lie.” June is

tired of hearing people say, without realizing what they’re saying, that

they plan to make love on the beach when what they mean is that they plan

to get horizontal just to sun themselves. I understand that June took the

time to learn proper English; I should do the same.

* I will stop bragging about how much time I spend in bookstores. I now

know that this does not fool June into believing I’m smart. On the

contrary, June understands the qualitative difference between buying

books and actually reading them. I should work to grasp this concept as

well.

* I will stop taking out my pent-up frustrations on smokers. Just because

I feel shackled by the fact that it’s no longer politically correct to

disparage other groups doesn’t mean I can vent my resentment toward

smokers. They have enough problems without my feigned coughs and grimaces

passive-aggressively telling them they smell bad. This is important not

just because June was once one of them, but because she can clearly see

that by picking on smokers, I’m really just redirecting my prejudices

toward Freemasons, Prussians and tea drinkers.

* I will try to give up listening to talk radio but, failing that, I will

never, ever attempt to engage June in a conversation about something I

heard on talk radio. Just because some mindless chatterbox can bait me

into a one-sided debate about whether terrorism is an art form doesn’t

mean that June is as easily baited. June is not a venue for me to get in

my two cents on the subject.

* In this same spirit, I will also give up listening to wacky morning

radio shows. I understand that bathroom humor is no funnier at 9 a.m.

than it is any other time of day.

* I will stop buying foods just because they say “fat-free” on the label.

When I am tempted to do so, I will remind myself that synthetic

substitutes for butter in cookies aren’t necessarily any better for me

than butter. Leaping over this logic is an affront to the evolved,

rational species of which June is a member.

* I will trade in my sport-utility vehicle immediately. Besides guzzling

gas and looking like a cliche on wheels, I am obstructing June’s view of

traffic.

* I will understand and accept the limitations of my cell phone. As sad

as it makes me, I must realize that it’s not the ideal way to enjoy a

night at the movies and a conversation with a distant friend at the same

time. I must accept that I’m not the only driver who’s just so good that

chatting about my shopping list doesn’t cause me to stray into June’s

lane. And I will understand that just because I can hear June fine when I

call her on my cell phone, that doesn’t mean she can hear me. Therefore,

I will never, ever call her from my cell just to say, “He-e-e-y.

Ho-o-ow’s (silence) g-wing?”

And, perhaps the most important resolution you can make this year:

* From this day forward, all chain mail and chain e-mail stops with me.

Let’s face it: You’re not really going to jog 26.4 miles every morning

before breakfast, kick your addiction to computer solitaire or learn to

play the flute. So why not find a better application for all those good

intentions? Why not stop saying “a whole ‘nother” when you want to add

umph to the word “another”? Why not vote against the politicians who

insult people’s intelligence by using the phrase “for the children”? Why

not boycott reality TV? Why not resolve to make 2002 a great year for

June?

* June Casagrande covers Newport Beach. She may be reached at (949)

574-4232 or by e-mail at o7 [email protected] .