UNCLE DON’S VIEWS OF NIL REPUTE

Scintillating. It means lively, stimulating or witty.

Such an appropriate adjective when applied to the appropriate subject.

“Thirteen Ghosts” is not an appropriate subject.

There’s thunder and lightning, a gargoyle howls and the music

crescendos as mysterious vehicles are driven into a darkened junkyard.

The leader of this group emerges from his antique automobile barking

orders and glaring a lot at his armored troops and his resident psychic.

What are these goofballs doing? They’re ghost busters. Using weapons

of unknown design and logic of indeterminate origin, they’re out to

capture the spirits of those who have died in awful ways, such as by

fire, decapitation, bow and arrow, and by voting Democrat.

And why are they capturing these spirits? For one thing, to drag out

the movie. Upon the capture of the appropriate number of spirits (I

believe it’s 13), their leader will open some keyhole to yet another

secret power of the universe so he can become the most powerful man in

the world.

Well, fearless leader kind of screws up and becomes dead, face up.

Upon his expiration, he leaves his house of mystery to his middle-aged

cousin or nephew. It’s your typical funny uncle’s house. Dark, gloomy,

isolated and abandoned. More cluttered than a teenager’s room, with

enough knickknacks to make a grandmother happy, what we have is another

week, another movie, another glass house and another bad case of the

stoopids.

The stoopids being the father, son, daughter and some loudmouthed

screaming housekeeper upon whom one wishes lockjaw, or a falling safe or

piano.

Just guess what’s down in the basement. Well you don’t need to guess,

‘cause I’m gonna tell you. It’s the aforementioned spirits who died in

the various and sundry ways. They’re bad tempered, evil looking and

afflicted with coatings of makeup that armor-piercing shells couldn’t

penetrate. These spirits are trapped in containment rooms, and if they

escape all hell breaks loose.

Tell me if you’ve heard this one before. Bad spirits abound. They’re

caught. They’re placed in holding tanks. Some idiot releases them.

They’re gonna take over the world. Yeah, sounds original to me.

“Thirteen Ghosts” is haunted by the presence of a bunch of no-name

actors with a single well-known actor (Can’t remember his name) inserting

his pockmarked, glowering mug into as many scenes as possible. Oh yeah,

it’s F. Murray Abraham. Didn’t he use to be a star? Well, Abraham’s Cyrus

needs a baker’s dozen of these here ghosts to become the most powerful

man in the world. Of course, he’s dead, but he ain’t half as dead as this

movie.

Guess what? Bad stuff starts to happen. So what do our resident

goofballs do? Of course, head to the basement where hushed voices and

mysterious sounds abound as they wander with these comments evacuating

from their mouths: “What difference does it make?” “You didn’t tell him,

did you?” “This house is not a house.” And of course, “I had my reasons.”

Cyrus has designed this house based on some mysterious book that was

written umpteen centuries ago. The book details a blueprint that will

allow one to build a structure that will open the “eye of hell.” Now

there’s a high IQ idea. Through the miracle of cheap special effects, we

are dragged along through this house, over hill, over dale, over stuff

you swore you’d seen in the previous scene.

But, to complete his project, Cyrus needs the special spirit. (Not

Jack Daniels). The spirit that is the most powerful energy of all. It’s

love. Ain’t that cute. Ain’t that boring. Ain’t that an indication that

this barker is almost over.

Meanwhile our not very friendly neighborhood ghosts keep popping up

like the ones at the end of the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland.

Observable only by wearing these “spectral viewers,” these guys have got

some serious attitude problems, while the viewers will have serious

narcolepsy problems in trying to schlep it out through 90 minutes of

contrived tedium.

Betcha can’t guess what happens at the end. Betcha you don’t care.

Betcha I’m gonna tell you. The bad guy dies (again), the good guys escape

(too bad), and the remaining ghosts fade away, (like the financial future

of this flick). Unfortunately, this column remains.

“Thirteen Ghosts” is rated R for horror violence/gore, nudity and some

language.

* UNCLE DON reviews b-movies and cheesy musical acts for the Daily

Pilot. He may be reached by e-mail at [email protected]