PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities

The customer you are calling is either unavailable or has traveled

beyond the service area.

The cell phone users out there will smile knowingly at that, but it’s

meaningless to those who do not indulge in the wonderful world of

wireless wizardry. It is just one of the many differences that separate

the two groups. The only bond between them is that they really, really

don’t like each other. Smokers and nonsmokers, Dodger fans and Giant

fans, the Montagues and the Capulets, cells and non-cells.

But wait, something interesting this way comes. A few of our very own

local cities are considering a ban on dialing and driving, similar to the

law that was passed last month in the Empire State -- a.k.a. New York.

Personally, I loved these kinds of issues when I was still doing the dais

thing. The great cellular debate has all the earmarks of what the Irish

call, “a merry brawl” -- lots of press, strong feelings on both sides and

virtually no information. It’s one of those “everyone knows” issues.

Everyone knows that there have been hundreds, if not thousands, of

serious accidents and who-knows-how-many fatalities caused by drivers

distracted by dialing or talking on a cell phone. Everyone knows that.

Data, please? Umm, we’ll get back to you.

There have been very few studies on exactly how many accidents, severe

and otherwise, have been caused by cellular fat chewing -- is that how

you get cellulite? The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration

(let’s come up with a longer name shall we?) released the first study to

attempt to quantify the number of people who chat and drive in these

United States of America. Answer: About 3% of drivers on the road at any

given time, slightly more during rush hour. How many drivers are holding

their little cellular buddy while talking, and how many are using

“hands-free” devices? (That’s very important.) Answer: Don’t know.

Hmm. Here’s how they came up with their findings. They placed

observers at 640 intersections around the country -- a average of 12

intersections per state (yikes!) -- and observed about 12,000 passing

cars. Did they have some high-tech listening device that detected a

cell-phone being used in a passing car? Au contraire, mon frere. They

simply watched cars go by and made a few notes whenever they saw someone

using a cell phone.

When it was all said and done, here’s what they found out. People in

vans and SUVs are more likely to use a cell phone while driving. And the

cellular caller is more likely to be a woman than a man. Really. I’m

stunned.

See? This is exactly why we never, ever, ever get too excited about

government studies. The only other study on the subject is about two

years old and ranked cell phone usage fourth in the “distraction”

ratings. At No. 3 was reading a map, directions or a note. At No. 2 was

the always impressive putting on makeup while driving. And No. 1 was

fiddling with the radio or CD player.

OK, enough studies. Cell phones are in the news as much as they are,

and laws restricting their use are starting to fly fast and thick,

because a lot of the people whose ears are connected to the little things

are obnoxious. I don’t think they mean to be. They just don’t realize how

obnoxious they are.

Here’s the problem. In the Jurassic era, when people used pay phones,

if someone was droning on and on about who-knows-what, all you had to do

was move along and place your body anywhere where their body wasn’t.

But now, in the Age of Enlightenment, you can’t get away. They are

everywhere, at all times, and they are frighteningly mobile. In the

checkout line at Vons, they’re right behind you. At the gas station,

they’re just on the other side of the pump. Pumping and talking. Talking

and pumping.

The other day, I was at my dentist’s office, leafing through a March

1997 issue of “Modern Maturity.” A woman walked in, talking on her cell

phone, waved at the receptionist, sat down just a few feet from me and

never missed a beat. At this point, I am privy to at least one half of

her conversation, and it shows no signs of abating. I am learning much,

much more about what an idiot her sister is than I need to know, while

pretending to be interested in the article about “Bran & Your Prostate.”

Oh, I almost forgot. Her sister drives her crazy, but she still loves

her.

I read somewhere, long ago, that the space that people keep between

them varies from one culture to another. Asians and Europeans tend to sit

and stand much closer to each other than do their American counterparts.

Maybe that’s the problem. Obnoxious cell phone users don’t realize they

are invading our space. It’s like second-hand smoke of the ear.

Second-hand words, maybe.

It is overwhelming at times though, isn’t it? Take the usual stroll

through any public space, from Fashion Island to John Wayne Airport, and

the place is dripping with cell phones and loud voices talking into them.

I think we’ll get this thing figured out sooner or later. We have pretty

much licked the problem of cell phones ringing in theaters and courtrooms

and, yes, in city council meetings. Even the most offensive cellular

chatters know enough to turn the little things off before they sit down

for the show or the sermon.

So if you must drive and chat, get a hands-free device. It’s safer for

you, safer for me, safer all around. Talk, have fun, dish as much as you

want. Just keep it down.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays.

He may be reached via e-mail at [email protected].