JUDGE GARDNER -- The Verdict

Not many people in this time and place have had much experience with

witchcraft. However, the readers of this column may rest assured that its

author is an expert in the field.

Many moons ago I was an obscure Deputy District Attorney in the office

of the Orange County District Attorney, an office which seems to garner

more than its share of publicity, good or bad. One day Charlie Carrillo,

the court interpreter and unofficial bridge between the Latino and Anglo

populations of Orange County, came into my office with two people. One

was a big, strapping American Indian, and the other was a pitiful,

scrawny Latino woman. She was the man’s wife and she had a horrible,

festering wound on her leg. According to Charlie, the family that lived

next door to the couple had put a hex on the poor lady, and she was dying

from it, which certainly looked to be the case.

Not to worry, however. Bob Gardner, Deputy D.A. was on the case. And

so we drove to the scene of the crime, the two side-by-side houses.

They were much alike, the houses, except around one of them, the

American Indian’s, was a carefully placed series of cactus fronds, or

leaves or stalks or whatever cactus have. I sat on one once and until

this moment never thought about the title of the painful thing attached

to my rear end, but enough of etymology. To the magic.

It was explained to me that the cactus was placed there to hex the

woman. This was rather outside my previous experience as a Deputy D.A.,

but I was undaunted. I walked around the house of the woman against whom

the hex had been placed and carefully removed every cactus frond, leaf,

stalk or whatever they’re called. Then I held up my hand and said, “Omnia

Gallia Omnia Gallia Omnia Gallia,” which was as much as I remembered from

my high school Latin and the introduction to Caesar’s Gallic Wars.

A few weeks later, Charlie Carrillo brought the couple in to see me.

Instead of a haggard woman with a festering wound on her leg there was a

lively, smiling young woman who was positively effusive in her thanks to

me for having removed the hex that was killing her.

And so, modest though I may be, I must admit that I am an expert at

removing hexes, and I am now making an offer to assist those who may be

the victims of a hex. Of course, my fee has gone up since the above

incident. I now charge $4.32 to remove a hex. Competition, you know.

* ROBERT GARDNER is a Corona del Mar resident and a former judge. His

column runs Tuesdays.