PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities

What a mess. You got your producers, your providers, your suppliers,

your brokers, your regulators and your deregulators. It’s a nightmare.

You feel confused and abused, frustrated and berated. (“Berated” is dumb,

but it’s the only thing I could think of that rhymes with “frustrated.”)

I know exactly how you feel. But that’s only because you’re not a

professionally trained, really smart ex-politician who knows exactly how

this stuff works. Not to worry. We will explain it all for you -- the

power crunch, whether it’s real or contrived, and what it means in our

little corner of the universe. We begin.

Deregulation is really good. In the old days, before 1996, there was

plenty of power to go around and your electric bill was as predictable as

a Larry King divorce. But, sadly, the whole process was, well --

regulated. That’s a bad thing. About 10 years ago, a bunch of people in

Sacramento decided that the outdated “regulated” system of “flip a

switch, light comes on” was intolerable. So they spent about five years

coming up with a much better one. Instead of that stupid idea of a few

big companies that generated power and distributed it around the state,

they devised a much simpler system. Utilities should sell off their power

plants and buy their electricity from a computer-based marketplace called

the California Power Exchange, or “PX.” Competition would drive prices

down and pretty soon, electricity would be so cheap it would be silly.

Then someone decided the new system still wasn’t simple enough. So

they set up a nonprofit corporation called the California Independent

System Operator, or “Cal-ISO.” Cal-ISO handles whatever power sales the

PX doesn’t, don’t ask why, and oversees the day-to-day workings of the

state’s high-voltage transmission lines -- all of which is going really

well. Cal-ISO is our link with the “power grid” -- a huge network of

regional power grids that serve everything from Canada to the Mexican

border, and that means us. Never, ever stick your finger in the power

grid. See? Couldn’t be simpler. Old days -- a few utilities, regulated.

Today -- California PX and Cal-ISO, deregulated. This is much better.

There is one other acronym you need to know -- the “PUC.” The Public

Utilities Commission was the last ingredient needed to make sure that

deregulation worked like a Swiss watch. You think the Department of Motor

Vehicles is a nightmare? Please. The DMV is a cross between a SWAT team

and Federal Express compared to the PUC. There are letters at the bottom

of in-baskets at the PUC that are on folded parchment sealed with wax. OK

fine, but what does this all mean to us? I thought you’d never ask. First

of all, stay calm. Here is a list of Frequently Asked Questions. Cut it

out and put it on your refrigerator door. It’s important.

Q: When will blackouts occur?

A: At the worst possible times. Preparation is the key. Get a solar

power system. It’s 50 grand, but you’ll have enough energy to power one

25-watt bulb and hot water, assuming you can shower in 90 seconds. Put

everything in the freezer. Eggs, bread, fruit, vegetables -- get it all

in there. Once it’s frozen, you’ll laugh at blackouts. Everything will

taste like hell, but you’ll laugh at blackouts. If a blackout occurs

while you’re driving, stay calm, especially at night. Pull off to the

side of the road in a safe spot and wait there. All the food in the house

is frozen solid, so there’s no sense rushing home. If you have a cell

phone, let someone know where you are or call for help, but be quick

about it because cell phones cause cancer now. There’s no sense getting

sick on top of being stuck. If it happens at home, find one large candle

and don’t curse, because it’s better to light a single candle than to

curse the darkness. Sue me.

Q: What is a “rolling blackout?”

A: A blackout that rolls.

Q: Are Newport Beach and Costa Mesa prepared for blackouts?

A: Yes. Both cities have emergency power interruption response plans

in place. Each city hall is equipped with massive emergency generators

that can power four restrooms, a toaster oven and a Palm Pilot for up to

48 hours. If traffic signals go down, each city will dispatch a traffic

officer with a bullhorn to every intersection to scream, “Look out!” in

each direction.

Q: Will everyone’s electric bill go up?

A: No. Only those who live in California.

Q: When will this be over?

A: As soon as your electric bill goes up.

Q: What happens if a blackout hits while I’m watching television?

A: The screen will go black.

Q: What about my computer?

A: What about it? Oh, sorry. As long as you have a power surge

protector, a backup program for e-mail jokes and a lot of money to buy a

new computer, blackouts shouldn’t be a problem.

Q: Who should I call if there’s a blackout?

A: First of all, not me. That’s the important thing. Other than that,

I would say call somebody you’ve been meaning to call forever but never

get around to it. It’s pitch black, so it’s not like you’re going to get

anything done anyway.

So there you have it. Everything you need to know about electricity

and the lack thereof. Can you find information of this quality anywhere

else? Nowhere I know. Remember, knowledge is power.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays.

He may be reached via e-mail at [email protected].