PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities

So how was it? Perfect, I’m sure. A glorious bird, shimmering golden

brown. A stunning holiday table. Family and friends in perfect harmony,

everyone in their Sunday best, children perfectly behaved, a Norman

Rockwell scene come to life.

OK, maybe not. Get over it.

Here’s the important thing: we’re halfway through. Two down, two to

go. Halloween, T-Day: done. Christmas/Hanukkah (your call) and New

Year’s: coming and coming fast.

How can this be? I don’t get it. Wasn’t it August just last week?

Labor Day was Monday. Wasn’t it? I just don’t understand. I feel like a

Florida voter.

Let me really depress you. There are 30 shopping days left until

you-know-what. Why do people still say “shopping days,” by the way?

Granted, there was a time -- long, long ago -- when stores were rarely

open after dark or, heaven forbid, on Sundays. Today, it doesn’t matter

if it’s 3 a.m. on Thursday -- if you can imagine it, someone is selling

it within a few miles of wherever you are. If it’s a day, it’s a shopping

day. Agreed? Thank you.

Where were we? Ah yes, the holidays.

I used to think holiday decorations were the most reliable indicator

for someone who had misplaced his or her calendar. Now, I think it’s

supermarkets -- which is exactly where I was on Tuesday last. The moment

you walk through the door, Mrs. Cubbison is in your face like a dachshund

on its third latte. There was a column of stuffing boxes (regular and

seasoned) that had to be 15 feet high. If the cans of pumpkin pie filling

had toppled, you’d have to call in paramedics from four cities.

Where does egg nog go the rest of the year? For 335 days, it’s gone,

poof! Doesn’t exist. Thanksgiving week? Bam. Egg nog at every turn -- in

cartons, cans and powdered mix. Is it illegal to sell or consume egg nog

between Jan. 1 and Nov. 20? I don’t get it.

Even as we speak or read or whatever it is we do, I guarantee you the

twin towers of stuffing and pumpkin filling are now surrounded by 6-foot

berms of candy canes, Kisses and M&Ms; in red and green. Marshmallows? You

could plug a major break in Hoover Dam with the marshmallow piles in one

Vons.

Speaking of holiday fare, on this day-after-T-Day, do you know what

the most popular turkey leftover meal is? Sandwiches, by far.

Do you know why you can never starve in the desert? Because of all the

sandwiches there. Sorry. I’ve been telling that joke since I was 8. I

still laugh. No one else does. I don’t care.

Anyway, it’s sandwiches first, then soup, then casseroles, then

salads.

According to the Guinness Book, the biggest turkey ever dressed,

stuffed and roasted in a conventional oven was 86 pounds. That’s big. It

happened at the annual “Heaviest Turkey” competition in London, on Dec.

12, 1989. I’m not sure what’s more bizarre. An 86-pound turkey, or the

fact that people actually gather once a year to see who’s got the

heaviest bird.

According to the National Turkey Federation (yes, there is one),

turkey farmers in the U.S. raise about 275 million turkeys a year. That’s

a lot. About 90 million of those make the ultimate sacrifice during

holidays -- 45 million at Thanksgiving, 25 million at Christmas and 20

million at Easter. More than 90% of Americans surveyed by the federation

eat turkey at Thanksgiving.

With all due respect, I don’t believe that. The great majority of

Americans prefer white meat to dark, while Europeans are just the

reverse. I must admit, I am a “dark” person. There, I said it. I don’t

know why. I just am.

The average bird is about 70% white meat and less than 30% dark meat.

Fine. See if I care. The preferred weight for a holiday turkey is 15

pounds. That surprises me. I thought it would be more like 20 pounds. One

really does learn something every day, doesn’t one?

Then there is that whole issue of “turkey as sedative.” The

traditional, full-on, all-hands-on-deck turkey dinner is interesting, no?

It takes 14 hours to prepare and about 30 minutes to eat. Especially

pleasing to the hostess-slash-preparer is the speed at which most guests,

and all males, are stretched out on floors and draped on furniture in a

semiconscious state like a pride of lions in the shade at high noon.

In recent years, some experts have suggested that fresh turkey

contains a number of sleep-inducing substances. That’s an unfounded,

mean-spirited and possibly un-American lie, according to the Turkey

Federation.

Apparently, high doses of carbohydrates produce something called

“tryptophan” in the brain, which do indeed induce sleep. Need we

calculate how many carbs are in the traditional turkey dinner? I didn’t

think so. So the villain is the trimmings. Lay off the bird. It’s

innocent.

When Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin pulled up a rock and sat down to

eat the first meal on the moon, their foil packets were brimming with

turkey and all the trimmings.

The average mature turkey has about 3,500 feathers. How many feathers

did that 86-pound beast in London have? One can only imagine. Dyed turkey

feathers are the most common feathers used for Native American costumes.

Finally, and perhaps most significant, Big Bird’s painfully yellow

costume is made from turkey feathers.

Can you get this kind of information anywhere else? Nowhere that I

know. You needn’t thank me. It is my job. So stay calm, reject stress.

We’re halfway there. To December -- and beyond.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays.

He can be reached via e-mail at o7 [email protected] .