UNCLE DON’S VIEWS OF NIL REPUTE

Veni, vidi, vamoosi. I came, I saw, I split.

Lordy, this movie was gawd-awful. If it were an astronomical object,

it would be a black hole. If it were a household appliance, it would be a

vacuum cleaner. If it were an insect, it would be a mosquito.

“Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows” really, really sucked. I’ve seen, and

usually see, better film on my teeth.

This cinematic prize is a fictional reenactment of something that

never really happened. And that, folks, is as deep as this paean to

horrible filmmaking ever gets.

There are enough flashbacks, flash-forwards and flashers in this

monstrosity to evoke prayers to the gods of electricity that a fortuitous

power outage would spontaneously occur, allowing my escape to the real

world and an excuse to my editor as to why I didn’t see the flick that I

promised her majesty I would review.

The plot of this joke has so many holes in it that it should be

checked for mad cow disease. Populated with derelicts, decrepits,

dementeds and doofuses, the “Blair Witch 2” script is kinda like sitting

on the bottom floor of a two-story outhouse. Unpleasant things keep

dropping by.

Most unpleasant are the five squawking, bickering chupacabras who

populate virtually every scene. You got your reformed loony, a sleazy

wiccan, a chain-smoking Goth and the obligatory innocent couple. Tooling

around in some beater van driven by loony-tunes, they’re on a tour of the

area where all this Blair Witch nonsense took place not long enough ago.

If you’re not familiar with “The Blair Witch Project,” you are a

fortunate soul, but I’ve still gotta fill you in. Listen up. Some kids

disappear into the woods, take lousy videos, scream a lot and end up

dead. A bad movie is based on this.

An excruciatingly worse movie is based upon this first movie. Kinda

like summer camp mystery meat, “Book of Shadows” is made up of things

rotten and things best unknown.

Turns out that a cottage industry has grown up around the legend of

the Blair Witch. You’ve got tours of the various points of interest, gift

shops, T-shirts and all the detritus associated with scenes of mass

murder and contrived films. The local yokels are out to milk the

touristas with tours to Coffin Rock and all the tchotchkes they can

handle.

Anyhow, the mission of our five yahoos is to visit the foundation of

the house where the bad stuff happened in the last movie, set up all

sorts of video gear, get drunk, party, wake up the next morning with a

major buzz and wonder what happened to all of their gear.

The gear is trashed, but the video tapes are mysteriously found. So

off they go -- not into town, but to the spooky old abandoned warehouse

accessible only by a decrepit bridge -- to attempt to figure out what

happened.

One of these geniuses, who evidentially has been listening to

“Revolution 9,” tells the group to play the tapes backward and see what

happens.

What happens is the miraculous appearance of really bad special

effects. Vapid witches swirl around vaporous trees. This caused the hair

to raise on the back of my neck as I realized this sucker has got quite a

ways to go.

So, do these clowns call the cops? Head into town? Arm themselves?

Attempt rational thought?

Naaah. Time for more flashbacks and flash-forwards so as to drag this

barker out to the requisite 90 minutes.

I guess this flick is supposed to be scary. Fruitcake scares me.

Morons who vote for Gore scare me. Any foods -- fruitcake is not a food

-- with the words “casserole,” “log” or “loaf” in them really scare me.

“Blair Witch?” Yeah, sure. Whoever put this together had been beaten

too many times with a stoopid stick.

As the camera pulls away from the final scene, the half-dozen or so in

the audience roused themselves from whatever stupor this movie had sent

them into and schlepped toward daylight. It was then that I realized this

was the same theater in which I’d seen “The Postman.”

I’m cursed. And I cursed.

o7 “Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows” is rated R for violence,

language, sexuality and drug use.f7

* UNCLE DON reviews B-movies and cheesy musical acts for the Daily

Pilot. He can be reached by e-mail at o7 [email protected]