Uncle Don’s Views of Nil Repute

Well, these Highlanders say they’re immortal. But they’re not

immortal. Maybe, kinda, sorta immortal. Depends on how you define

“immortal.”

Anyhow, these clowns are immortal only if their heads aren’t lopped

off. I guess that doesn’t make them immortal, just boring. And brainless.

Didn’t need their heads cut off to reach that conclusion.

“Highlander: End Game” takes the low road as this cinematic equivalent

of swamp gas arises from the sludge of prior editions to attempt to

delude innocent viewers into thinking they’re watching quality

filmmaking, while robbing them of money and time.

Hey it’s Glencoe, Scotland, in the year 1555. Is that some famous date

in Scottish history? Are there any dates in Scottish history worth

remembering?

A bunch of Monty Python rejects are huddled around trying to do

violence to the huddled masses. Remember that scene in “Holy Grail” where

the local yahoos are trying to figure out if some poor woman was a witch?

Well, they’re at it again, planning to toast some guy’s mother at the

stake.

She takes forever to die while her sniveling, whining son, who is

locked in prison, bellyaches, overacts and finally escapes.

He’s cheesed off, and soon he too is dead. Unfortunately the movie

isn’t.

Guess what? If you have some special power inside of you, when you’re

killed violently you come back alive like a zombie in a George Romero

film.

Guess what else? Your acting ability died with you.

This disastrous hoax of a flick makes “The Postman” seem like “Citizen

Kane.” What sort of drooling, slack-jawed yokels put it together? And

worse, what sort of drooling slack-jawed yokels would actually pay to see

it? (My evil editor made me go).

This bummer of a buddy movie follows a couple of members of the

MacClod, actually MacLeod, clan, as they travel through time trying to

kill the bad immortals who are trying to kill the good immortals.

So, you have immortals in a fight for survival. Why would immortals --

who are by definition unable to die -- need to fight to survive? Wouldn’t

they be immortal?

I guess until they die, they’re immortal, which means they’re just

like the rest of us -- immortal until we die. Good gawd, now we’re

starting to think, and thinking is the antithesis of this 90-minute

howler.

Graduates of the Ronco School of Mechanical Acting, Christopher

Lambert, Adrian Paul and a couple of other vaguely recognizable

thespians, stumble through appropriately dreary and badly lit sets in a

vain attempt to interest us in their fate.

We, the viewers, scratch our heads and think vile thoughts about all

those connected with “Highlander: End Game.”

Meanwhile, we jump back and forth from 10 years ago to the 1500s to

the 1700s to the 1600s to the present, suffering through more flashbacks

than a bus full of Deadheads on acid.

Impressive dialogue such as: “I did it for you,” “I had my reasons,”

and the ubiquitous “In time, anything can be forgotten,” are uttered in

Scottish accents that ebb and flow, mostly ebbing, through candle-lit

scenes of interminable talking.

These clowns never shut up, presumably cutting down on the special

effects costs. The few fight scenes show that while the immortals can

watch Jackie Chan, they need a lot more than eternity to figure out his

moves.

This disconnected, inarticulate waste of celluloid is so horrible that

its mere existence ought to be an insult to the movie industry. There

isn’t a bag big enough to pick up after this dog.

* UNCLE DON reviews B movies and cheesy musical acts for the Daily

Pilot. He can be reached by e-mail at [email protected].