Peter Buffa -- COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES

We might as well. Everyone else is.

Talking about politics, that is.

Next Tuesday, as I strongly suspect you are aware, is the California

Primary. Super Tuesday. The Big One.

Our fellow Americans in this and 15 other states will cast their votes

for the presidential wannabe of their choice. They will also say “yes,

please” or “no, thanks” to more initiatives than you can shake a ballot

at.

These days, people get uptight about voting. Don’t stress. It’s easy.

Just follow the “Peter B. Election Handbook” I gave you last time.

First, set aside a few quiet moments between now and Tuesday to look over

the campaign mail from the candidates and the 21 -- yes, that’s 21 as in

“twenty-one” -- ballot initiative campaigns. Every little thing you need

to know can be found somewhere in that mountain of glossy brochures.

It’s all true, every word. It has to be. People can’t just lie. The law

wouldn’t allow it.

The candidates? A no-brainer. If you’re a Republican, only vote for

Republicans who are “proven tax fighters” and “tough on crime.” Don’t

waver on this. “Tax fighter” is not enough. Make sure it says “proven.”

Also, they have to be “Reagan Republicans.” Anybody can be a Republican.

But only very special Republicans who are highly qualified get to call

themselves “Reagan Republicans.”

If you’re a Democrat, only vote for Democrats who will fight “for the

people.” Also, look for these key words: “big business” (bad) and

“universal health care” (good). That one is really important. It means

every man, woman and child in the country gets lifetime health care. But

here’s the amazing part ... they get it for free! Nobody pays for it.

Nobody. How cool is that?

Regardless of party affiliation, make absolutely, positively certain that

your candidate will fight “special interests” and is an “outsider” and

not “a politician.” I know this gets a little confusing when people who

have been in office for years condemn “the politicians” and the

“insiders,” but just go with it.

Finally, check the pictures carefully. Remember, those pictures are

candid shots of a candidate in absolutely real situations, so they tell

you a lot about who someone really is. At an absolute minimum, there

should be pictures of the candidate in a family photo, talking to kids,

meeting with seniors, and talking with a cop.

Don’t hurry on this. It’s very important. Make a checklist that says

“family,” “kids,” “seniors,” “cops.” In the “seniors” photo, the

candidate should always be pointing at something on the table or on the

wall. And the “cop” photo should show either the cop or the candidate

leaning on a police car.

I know the photos can look phony, but remember, they’re not staged. The

law wouldn’t allow it.

Ballot initiatives used to be confusing, but now they’re really simple --

which is a good thing, considering there are 21 of them on the ballot.

Just make sure you vote for the ones that “help our kids” and vote

against the ones that “hurt our kids.”

Whew, what a relief! How easy is that?

Someone asked me recently how the same proposition can “help our kids” or

“hurt our kids,” depending on which side is making the claim.

“Obviously, those are typos,” I explained. “People wouldn’t be sleazy

enough to use kids as a hot button for an issue that has nothing in the

world to do with kids. The law wouldn’t allow it.”

Speaking of questions, I’m adding a brief FAQ section (Frequently Asked

Questions) to the Peter B. Handbook this year:

o7 Q: There are 17 names on my presidential ballot this year. Who on

Earth are all those people?

f7 A: It’s called “democracy at work.” If you want to be president,

being unqualified just isn’t good enough anymore. You have to be wildly

unqualified. (See file under “Lyndon LaRouche” and “Donald Trump”).

o7 Q: Both John McCain and George W. Bush deny any mudslinging and are

disgusted with negative campaigning. So who’s sending out all the sleazy

phone bank messages?f7

A: Obviously, neither of them. They both deny it. And besides, the law

wouldn’t allow it. Saddam Hussein maybe.

o7 Q: Speaking of John McCain and George W. Bush, McCain said he was a

“reformer” and then Bush said he was a “reformer with results.” Then

McCain said he was the “real reformer.” Is there a “real reformer with

results?”

f7 A: Call the Reform Party. They’re the reform experts. If you get

their machine, it means their delegates are having another fistfight. The

only reformer I know who always got results was a guy from the

Inquisition Party named “Torquemada.” He was very results-oriented.

o7 Q: What the heck is the “Natural Law” party? f7

A: I think it’s the most interesting development in American politics in

years. I’ll let Sharon Miles, a “Natural Law” candidate in the 48th

Congressional District explain it: “From the perspective of natural law,

which governs everything in the universe perfectly and without a problem,

there is no confusion or hesitation.” Well, OK then! (See file under

“Lyndon LaRouche” and “Donald Trump”).

So there you have it. Vote early and often. Just follow your Handbook and

you’ll do fine. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays. He

can be reached via e-mail at o7 [email protected] .