COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES -- Peter Buffa

I never have one. Do you ever have one? A surplus, that is. There’s a lot

of that going around right now.

The Costa Mesa City Council has the enviable task of deciding what to do

with a $1.4-million surplus. I thought about it long and hard. My

suggestion was that they dole the money out to all the former mayors

whose last names end in a vowel and who have been out of office no more

than 14 months. They didn’t like it.

But if you think $1.4 million is a big number, try $2 trillion. That’s a

2 followed by 12 zeros, as in $2,000,000,000,000.

Impressive, isn’t it? That’s what Washington just announced the federal

surplus could amount to over the next 10 years.

I don’t care if your name is Gates, $2 trillion is a hard number to

grasp. Try this. There are about 200,000 people in Costa Mesa and Newport

Beach. Two trillion dollars comes to $10 million for every man, woman and

child in the two cities. Nothing yet?

Try this one. As a stack of thousand-dollar bills, $1 million is 14

inches high. A $1-billion stack would be 116 stories high -- about as

tall as the World Trade Center. And $1 trillion would be 220 miles high.

Lay the stack on its side and it would stretch from New York to Boston.

Don’t you love those goofy examples, by the way? “If you lined up all the

squirrels in the world end to end, they would blah, blah, blah.”

Anyway, the real question is, what will they do with that money? To

update a line from Everett Dirksen, a trillion here and a trillion there

and pretty soon, you’re talking about real money.

If you think the federal government can’t get things done with billions

of dollars, wait until you see what they can’t do with trillions. This

changes everything. The Mars Polar Lander was lost for a few hundred

million dollars. Peanuts.

Just imagine what they could lose for a trillion dollars. You could send

all sorts of stuff to distant solar systems and lose it without a trace.

“Houston, any sign of that thing?”

“No, Mr. President, we’ve lost all contact. It’s gone.”

“Outstanding. Where was that thing supposed to go anyway?”

“We’re not sure, sir. It’s real far away.”

“OK then. Please congratulate the team for me.”

“Thank you, sir.”

A few Republicans have suggested a substantial tax cut, since taxes are

where these surpluses come from, after all. But that was quickly

dismissed as being silly.

Here’s my two bits. This is very cool. Put most of the surplus into a

Federal Friday Trust Fund. Everybody goes to a four-day work week.

Businesses that can document a loss of revenue from a four-day week can

claim it against their corporate taxes. Any shortfall to the Feds is

offset by the trust fund and its annual interest.

Too complicated.

How about this? We landscape every highway in the country with ground

cover and really pretty flowers. It’s the ultimate make-over.

Speaking of make-overs, The Pilot got one -- again -- but I guess this

column just isn’t important enough. Monica Lewinsky? Make-over. Fergie?

Make-over. Pilot? Make-over. Buffa column? Zero, zip, nada, bupkus.

OK, fine. I’ll do it myself. Actually, we both will.

I’ve got some ideas. You let me know what clicks and what doesn’t.

I’m thinking we cut down on the copy, add some graphics and have separate

sections, like “Humor,” “Parenting,” “Games & Puzzles,” etc.

However, if we do a humor section, I’ll need some new material, so send

me whatever you have. And please, no tired old jokes that everyone has

heard before. It has to be fresh, urbane and clever.

Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients.

What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic? Sanka.

Did you hear about the two dancers who got fired from Riverdance? They

moved their arms.

What do you think? Are those OK? Be honest with me.

OK, maybe we won’t do a humor section. How about Games & Puzzles? We

could do a crossword puzzle.

People love crosswords. You know, “printer’s measure,” “Hebrew month,”

“Henry VIII’s second wife,” a five-letter word for triisopropanolamine --

that kind of thing. OK, forget the puzzle.

What about riddles? Riddles are fun. Actually, I really do have a riddle

for you. If you’re the first person to answer correctly, you’ll win ... I

don’t know, something.

Wait. Now that I’ve made this a contest, I have to disclose the odds of

winning. Odds of winning something: Slim. Odds of winning something of

value: None. Ready? Good luck.

“The beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of

every end, and the end of every place.” What am I?

Think. Concentrate. You can do this. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays. He

can be reached via e-mail at o7 [email protected] .