WHAT’S UP -- steve smith

His name was Charles King, but America knew him as “Criswell.” And in my

limbo years -- when I was old enough to stay awake past midnight but too

young to go anywhere -- I watched him each New Year’s Eve on the “Tonight

Show” with Johnny Carson. Each year on the show, he made wild

predictions. Each year, none came to pass.

Criswell predicted that by 1980, we would be able to perform our own home

face lifts for only $5 each. Criswell predicted that the teeming

metropolis of Denver would be destroyed on June 19, 1989, by a pressure

from outer space that would cause all solids to turn into a jellylike

mass. Each Dec. 31 for years, Criswell would read his wacky predictions

with a straight face while a smirking Johnny sat in the background,

wondering why he hadn’t fire his talent bookers months earlier.

No one makes predictions anymore -- everyone wants to play it safe. Pick

up almost any magazine or newspaper and it’s all history, all “looking

back” stories. You’ll see the century’s top entertainer, top country

star, 25 most intriguing people and the Time Person of the Year, just to

name a few.

So, with massive apologies to Charles “Criswell” King,” I offer my first

predictions for the next century for Newport Beach and Costa Mesa:

1) 2000: Bill Hamilton, having closed the fabulous Cannery Restaurant

because Newport Beach denied him a permit for a nightclub upstairs, will

open a new eatery in Costa Mesa’s College Park, where “quiet” has been

redefined. The restaurant will be called “The Nunnery.” Guests will be

required to take a vow of silence before entering.

2) 2002: The “73” Freeway, a.k.a. the Corona del Mar Freeway, the one

that doesn’t go to Corona del Mar, will undergo a name change to reflect

the true destination of its motorists and will be called “The Fletcher

Jones Motor Cars Freeway.”

3) 2005: Home prices and rents in the area will continue to skyrocket.

Duffy will introduce the “electric houseboat,” which will solve the

housing problem. Many College Park residents will sell their homes to

live in the new Duffys because they’re so quiet.

4) 2003: Developers will kill two birds with one stone and agree to build

a homeless shelter under the new bridge spanning the river at 19th

Street. A spokesperson will be heard saying, “They’re going to wind up

there anyway.”

5) 2088: After 88 years of court battles with no decision in sight, the

Marines will have had enough from both sides and take back the land at

the El Toro base.

6) 2006: Pacific Federal Plaza, the grand building at 19th Street and

Newport Boulevard in Costa Mesa, will be offered for sale on E-bay where

it will be snatched up by a 23-year-old Internet entrepreneur who will

use it as her residence. She will pay for it with $1 in cash and $9 million in stock from the IPO for her company, which has no product and

no distinguishing service.

7) 2024: The Newport-Mesa Unified School District will have successfully

modified its “zero tolerance” policy to a “Three-Pete” policy. Kids

violating conduct rules three times will be forced to listen to all of

Pete Wilson’s old presidential campaign speeches.

8) 2033: The old Cano’s location will still be empty.

9) 2000: The school district will trade moral values for advertising

revenue by sending little kids home with a pitch to buy a music CD

featuring one of the stars of “Dawson’s Creek,” the TV show in which a

central character is having an affair with her high school teacher.

10) Scratch #9 -- that has already happened.

11) 2014: Pacific Coast Highway will mark 10 consecutive minutes without

some form of construction going on anywhere in Newport Beach.

12) 2006: The Pacific Amphitheater will be offered for sale on E-bay

where it will be purchased by a 23-year-old Internet entrepreneur who

will put a roof on it and use it as her residence. She will pay for it

with $1 in cash and $9 million in stock from the IPO for company, which

has no product and no distinguishing service.

13) This one you can bet the farm on: Next week, even though only 31

words of these predictions have been devoted to the subject, both sides

of the debate will write to the Daily Pilot to complain about my “El

Toro” column.

Have a happy, healthy new year.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer. Replies can

be sent to the Daily Pilot at (949) 642-6086, by e-mail at

[email protected], or to Steve at [email protected].